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Going down you have gravity helping you which, with seventy some odd pounds on your back, was not very helpful at all. I've always felt it was going down that was much more dangerous. Most people think going up the mountain is the most dangerous part of the trip. Several times we just stopped to like out at the snow glazed world around us.Īfter way too short a time we had everything packed and we were ready to head down the mountain. I agreed and we went to break down our camp. We stood there, enjoying the beauty around us for a while before she said, "We should probably pack up." I released her from the hug but kept my arms around her. I pulled her tight against me, trying to impart how much I truly loved her in one hug. In less than two months she would be 45 years old. It was another reminder that she was getting older. Those little streaks of gray bothered me deeply. As I looked down at her I could see the more streaks of gray mixing in with her blonde hair.
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At 5'9" the top her head came up to my chin. She walked out to join me and wrapped her arms around me. She'd used to smile all the time, but now smiles were such a rarity, to see her joy at the world, I would have given anything to be able to stop time and live in this one, perfect moment. He'd taken a piece of her with him when he died and I didn't think that piece would ever heal. Mom hadn't been the same after Dad had died. She was looking around the clearing exactly like I had and the wonder on her face lit up my world. I turned and saw my mom standing at the entrance to the tent. It was so peaceful, no cell, no cars, no other people, just the two of us. It had taken us three days to get to this clearing and we'd spent the entire day yesterday wandering around the area. We'd known snow was coming but it was the only week Mom could get off and we were prepared with the best low temperature gear we could spend too much on. We'd thrown ourselves into the camping trip and, just after the beginning of the year, we'd headed up to the mountains. I expected her to be upset but she'd actually smiled and said, "It's been such a long time since we've done that. I don't know where it came from but it was out before I could stop it. When she'd asked me what I wanted for Christmas I had blurted out, "We should go camping." It was like any reminder of him had to be cleansed from our lives or the pain would overwhelm us. When he died, Mom and I had stopped going on those adventures. Taking off on the weekends, we would all go camping or somewhere new just to see what was there. "You are so much like your father sometimes it scares me," she had said.
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I needed to know what my place in it was before I could settle down and head my life in the right direction. I knew how much she had sacrificed to make sure I would get a good education, but I had to do this. We'd had more than one screaming match over the subject. I'd moved back home and explained my plans to my mom who had been completely against me dropping out. I was in the middle of getting ready for the winter semester when I decided to drop out for a year and live. I only had another year of college left when I realized I was now 21 and hadn't done anything for me in three long years. I had spent the last three years of my life slaving away to get my Bachelor's Degree. The branches of the trees hung low under the weight of the snow on them. I crunched out into the snow and looked around me. The clearing we were in was glazed in a coating of freshly fallen snow and I was in heaven. The sky above me was a solid gray and it felt like I could reach up and touch the bottoms of the clouds. I unzipped the tent and slipped out into the overcast morning.